I cried. This was unusual.
Yes, I’ve already confessed my penchant for tears, but I don’t usually cry when I walk my dog. Last week I did.
Have you ever felt like a failure? Like a quitter? Like you just don’t seem to do anything with your life? I have. I do. And these are the things I was talking to God about last week.
I know it probably has a lot to do with a blogging conference I’m attending next week. I feel so out of my element going to this event, like I don’t really belong there, so I was praying about that . . . wondering why God has me going far away to hang out with a bunch of women I don’t know for reasons I don’t understand.
As I was praying I got to thinking about how I don’t really have a “thing.” I mean, this blog isn’t what I’d call successful. I’ve never written that book I’ve been meaning to write. I’ve spoken a little, but I haven’t pursued this as a “career." I’ve got a master’s degree, but never pursued a Ph.D. And then it dawned on me . . .
I’m a dabbler.
So as I walked, I poured out my heart to God, expressing my frustration that I dabble in so many things, but have never had one “thing." I wondered out loud to God why that is.
Frustration came too easily that day, not peace, not reassurance. Just frustration that I have never pursued much of anything for very long, that I’ve never had what you would call a meaningful career, that my life, as I see it, is not one of accomplishments.
It’s true, I’m a dabbler.
Then, in the quiet of the morning, snow crunching under my feet and the pit-pat, pit-pat of the dog’s paws, He whispered to my heart: You’ve never dabbled in being a mom to those three girls I’ve given you.
And suddenly I know He’s right.
For almost 20 years now I have devoted my life to three little girls who have given me a Ph.D. in parenting, in commitment, in love. They have been both the hardest and the happiest years of my life.
And even though I see this phase of my life careening past me at a blistering pace, God showed me that they have been my "thing."
So I will continue to follow the One who has given me these three darlings, and I will continue to pray for opportunities to serve Him wherever and whenever He wants, and I will keep looking for that “thing” that is mine.
Even if it’s right under my nose.
How about you? Are you a dabbler? What does that look like?
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Hey, I'm also posting over at the MODsquad blog today. I'd love it if you'd check it out!