Can I just be vulnerable for a minute?
As thankful as I am to even be saying this, writing a book is probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life.
In fact, as much as I love doing it, writing just about anything is really hard for me.
This week I decided to skip ahead and write the chapter of my book that makes me feel the most vulnerable because it’s kind of what’s on my heart right now. I tried to get around it, but I found that I just had to share a part of my story that I’m hesitant to share. It’s difficult and sad, and I would never want anyone to feel sorry for me or misconstrue why I’m telling this story now.
I think Satan just plain doesn’t want us to share our most vulnerable stories.
Earlier this week I sent a guest post to a writer-friend whom I admire so much, pinching myself that she even asked me to write something for her. I liked my post well enough, so I sent it off to her, but later that day I went back to read it again (“What did I send her??”) and found several sentences that I would have polished, changed, improved, if I hadn’t sent it quite yet.
I think Satan loves to have us second-guess ourselves.
This week I had a dream that has haunted me. This doesn’t happen often—I’m generally a sound sleeper—so when I remember a dream I have to take stock because it probably means something. In my dream I had gone back to teaching, and it was the first week of classes. I was excited to get to know my new students and to dive into the reading. The problem was, I hadn’t prepared and the first week was HORRIBLE.
I knew it, too. I hadn’t given my students any homework and, worse yet, I hadn’t had them write anything. Duh! It was a writing class!
In my dream (and even after I woke up), I felt like a failure. I felt like I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, prepared enough to teach a class I’d taught fifteen times before. I HATE not feeling good enough, smart enough, or prepared enough. It’s a pride thing I have, I know, but it eats at my very core.
And I’m pretty sure it doesn’t take a psychologist to tell me that I’m having some anxiety about writing this book. I’m worried that someone will read it and hate it or not think I’m smart or will tell me my theology is weak.
I think Satan loves to attack our weaknesses and make us think we’re not enough.
Yesterday I sat down to write and ended up staring at the screen for the better part of an hour, resulting in less than 100 words. (My goal was 1,000.) So I decided that the best thing I could do was simply put the writing aside for a while and work on changing sheets on all the beds in my house and sorting the mountain of the laundry that had collected in my bathroom. Those simple tasks sometimes clear my head, but I found myself angry and frustrated at my lack of discipline.
I think Satan likes to distract us.
You know what I think? I think I must be on to something if I’m feeling attacked in this way. I think I must keep listening to and following the Lord’s call, the job he’s given me to do, just to prove the enemy wrong.
And here’s what I know. I know that God never calls us to something without equipping us to do the job. Sometimes, though, he provides friends to come alongside to help encourage us in the work.
Joshua had Caleb.
David had Jonathan.
Mary had Elizabeth.
Paul had Timothy.
There’s a little story that I love in the book of Judges that perfectly illustrates this. Gideon was a leader and a warrior whom God had called to defeat the Midianites, but God did not want the army to defeat them in their own strength, so he whittled down Gideon’s army from 32,000 warriors to a mere 300. There was no way this measly bunch of fighters could defeat a cruel and powerful enemy.
So this rag-tag group set up camp and was ready to go in and defeat the Midianites, but the night before the attack, God visits Gideon and tells him this:
“Get up! God down into the Midianite camp, for I have given you victory over them! But if you are afraid to attack, go down to the camp with your servant Purah. Listen to what the Midianites are saying, and you will be greatly encouraged. Then you will be eager to attack.” (Judges 7:9-10)
Do you see what’s happening? God is giving Gideon an impossible task, to fight the enemy, and then tells him to go spy on their army the night before the attack.
But in the kind and gracious way that only God could do, he recognizes Gideon’s fear and tells him to take his servant with him. “But if you are afraid to attack, go down to the camp with your servant Purah.”
Throughout the Bible, God provides people to come alongside those he has called to serve him. He always equips, and sometimes he uses others to help.
I feel like I need to assemble a team of prayer warriors to come alongside me in this writing journey. If you are one who would commit to praying for me over the course of the next few weeks while I write this book, would you leave a comment with your email address today? I will then email you every Friday to let you know how my writing week went and what you can be praying for in the week ahead.
This is so humbling for me to even ask, and please do not respond if you’re not sure you can pray me through this. I won’t hold it against you! I just need a few people to sneak into the enemy camp with me and defeat him.
“The LORD is a warrior; Yahweh is his name!” (Ex. 15:3)